British Patriots I hate all the people in this picture already

Coming Back to the UK: Angry Version

Posted in Copenhagen, Oxford, Thoughts

 

This is the angry version. For the happy version: Click here

So it ends and so we return. Flights are booked and soon Copenhagen will be a distant memory. I wonder what exactly I’ll be coming back to:

 

  • No more naked people frolicking outside my office window
  • No more drinking beers in the park while your children play without being judged by other parents
  • Jacob Rees Mogg
  • A foreign secretary who thinks Trump might be a pretty smart guy
  • An opposition that are dicking around and can’t tap the ball in the open ‘anti-brexit’ goal and score a much needed draw
  • A lack of designer furniture and cool aesthetics on every shopping street
  • People moaning about it being too cold
  • People moaning about it being too hot
  • Cycle lanes that disappear randomly and cars that intentionally cut you off
  • Much less renewable energy
  • Libraries that don’t have board games, toys and a bar
  • A lack of play parks and no common garden where kids can play freely and live a life of freedom
  • A local newspaper that focuses on planning disputes, parking issues and paedophiles
  • Being stuck in traffic somewhere on the M25 wishing everything would disappear into a sinkhole so you can avoid another dreadful journey to London just to lose another small piece of your soul
  • Jacob Rees Mogg
  • A lack of tax funded community events and festivals
  • Being stuck at a middle class barbecue and having to listen to an acquaintance you are socially bound to get on with talk on and on and on about their bloody extension and all the while trying to practice mindful breathing so you don’t end up stabbing them with a steak knife as they recall the dreadful first world problems they had with their builders
  • The lack of the beautiful summer blue skies
  • A lack of spontaneous festivals and a creative entrepreneurism that doesn’t wait for planning permission and a three month health and safety audit but just plugs in an amp and puts on a music festival in their street
  • Drab offices that don’t spend half the company’s revenue on designer chairs and coffee makers
  • Knowing that if I go swimming naked in the Isis I will be arrested
  • A complete lack of decent sauna culture. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BRING A TOWEL YOU F***WIT SO YOU DON’T SOAK THE BENCHES WITH YOUR SWEAT AND SHOWER WATER.
  • Jacob Rees Mogg and meeting people who think the scrotumy succubus ‘makes a good point though’
  • Having to drive to find your nearest play park rather than having one on every corner
  • Ridiculously priced childcare and comparatively crap after school clubs
  • Being far away from an amusement park, and aquarium, a planetarium and so many other great things
  • Trains… Bloody trains. After a year and half living with a driverless metro I know have zero sympathy for RMT or TfL and your blood strikes. UK trains are not fit for purposes and the sooner A.I. comes and takes your job, the sooner I will be opening the champagne
  • Meeting people who live in Summertown who drive Range Rovers and complain about affordable housing developments while on the other side of town one of the UK’s most deprived areas gets its funding for breakfast clubs cut
  • ¬†Watching shops close as we consciously set fire to our economy
  • Potentially not having a European passport and having to explain to my kids why they can’t study abroad because of some old people, some racist people and some stupid people (if any ‘leavers’ don’t fit into these categories please let me know)
  • Having to watch news reports of some tosser dressed in a Union Jack suit who has been camping on the streets for eight days straight to catch a glimpse of the Royal Wedding/Royal Baby/Royal Hamster (Delete as applicable)
  • Homeless spikes…. There are fucking homeless spikes in Oxford. Let that one sink in….
  • Realising that my city’s biggest party involves getting up at 6am to vaguely listen to some choir sing and then not jump in any water
  • Meeting that percentage of Oxford students who think their place is an entitlement and not a privilege (the other ones are ok though)
  • Realising that half my city is walled off and restricted to those who have privilege
  • Talking to parents about ‘schools’ …every… fucking… day
  • Trying to park in Oxford and remembering why you wished you’d set fire to your car
  • Not living right next door to a Hippy commune where people play music, have fun and generally seem quite happy
  • Remembering how good the Zodiac was until the O2 did a great big shit all over it
  • Having to see the headline of the Daily Mail as I buy petrol “HOMELESS MIGRANTS SPREADING CANCER – GRAPEFRUIT CAN CURE IT THOUGH”
  • Realising the Oxford Blue Smokehouse has shut
  • Watching the Tories set fire to the NHS
  • Jacob Rees Mogg

 

So you can say it is with a heavy heart I return home. Emma is looking for various opportunities and I am interested in getting more involved with environmental work so if you have any ideas, please get in touch.

 

For a less grumpy post. Why not read: The Happy Post

One thought

  1. […] For a less cheery take on returning to the uk read: The Angry Post […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.